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Thursday, October 2

CLARK NOT A REGISTERED DEMOCRAT 

One of Czar NeoCon's favorite newspapers, the Washington Times, reports today that Civilian Clark hasn't yet registered to be a democrat. He was so busy making appearances to support the war on CNN and to finish his book in time for his announcement that he would run as Hillary Clinton's running mate, oops (leak)... well, read for yourself.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/national/20031002-122243-1914r.htm

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It's Impossible 

Don't you love how we're trying to turn around this criminal activity accusation?

First off, it is impossible for us to find out who did this (snicker, snicker). How could we possibly find out which of, oh, ten close personal friends and coworkers committed the crimes? We'd have to ask them or something. What are we, Sherlock Holmes? Do we have limitless periods of ten minutes to do this sort of monumental task?

Leaks happen all the time, you know. And we're against 'em. We really hate when smear tactics we discuss in meetings actually get accomplished, people do what they promise they'll do, and act loyally to our cause by getting our message out to the six people who disseminate the bulk of the news.

This isn't about our criminal behavior. It is all about the (former Bush donor) Wilson playing politics. He started it. He said our yellowcake uranium story was bunk, and well, we all know that it was, well...

It isn't about us. How many times do I have to tell you. It is about the reporters, the first amendment, and protecting their sources. They'll protect us, or they won't get any more stories from us. Bye, bye journalism career.

I'm going to have to refer your further questions to another department.

Look, if you have something you want to bring to our attention, please do. We are crafting our story right now and need your input. Don't wait until we're done to share what you know with us, or else we won't be able to come up with a good response.

I think I saw Saddam over there... Look! Uh, North Korea has nuclear weapons. Iran is being bad. Osama is planning something.

Finally. Ashcroft's Justice System is looking into it and we have full faith in them. (hee, hee) He even called us and warned us that this was coming, so we could "prepare" for it. Nothing like having a heads up before the cops come to the door. Phew! He's great.

Note to self: make preparations for large natural disaster, celebrity arrest, missing child, or other diversion

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Wednesday, October 1

There is no need for a special prosecutor 

I suppose you are celebrating Howard Dean breaking all fundraising records, phone call records, and poll numbers. Big deal if he was a hit on Leno last night and visible on 5 morning news shows. We aren't worried. Go right ahead. We have an investigation to thwart.

So we compromised the CIA, the US, and exposed an agent on purpose to slander someone in retaliation for exposing our fake evidence of Iraq's attempt to puchase uranium from Niger so we could launch our phony oil-grab war. What's the big deal?

Rest assurred, we have the best people working on this. The entire White House is working overtime, Tom Delay is whipping up Congress, and John Ashcroft will be overseeing the investigation itself.

There is no conflict of interest. How could we have a conflict of interest if it is in ALL of our interest to stay in power forever? There is no conflict. We will investigate and find no wrong doing. Or maybe an aide will be fired as a distraction. It wasn't Ari, Karl, and Dick. Really. They are nice fellows and never do this sort of calculating, back-stabbing, criminal action.

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Monday, September 29

And we didn't commit any crimes... 

This isn't a problem. We don't have two moles in senior administration positions in the White House ratting out CIA agents to the media. Just because Poppy Bush wrote the law making it a Federal crime to expose agents doesn't mean it is a bad thing.

Besides, you remember what I taught you.... who will investigate? Ashcroft! Ha! Get around that one.

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