Thursday, November 6

How Dare They 

Some demented souls are trying to come up with a dictionary of right wing tactics. What a trivial pursuit.

Just because we have a system for attacking all those who oppose our efforts to rule the universe, it is easy to see how we do this, it is easier still to document our methods, and once you see how we do it you will no longer be fooled by us... doesn't mean you should pay any attention to it. Really, folks. Pay no attention to this. It is not something you should pay attention to at all.

Gotta run. Now that we have the late term abortion ban under our very masculine and balding belts, we're taking the next step - preventing birth control. Give us an inch and we'll take a mile. (Or at least we'll blow it up then rebuild it a few times).

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Tuesday, November 4

War? What War? We're Campaigning! 

Oh yes, many of you are still worried about the massive deaths going on in Iraq. 23 so far this month, and we haven't even finished week one.

Well, I am happy to report that we are doing everything we can to campaign successfully to win the White House again next year. Sure, we keep revising our fundraising goal downward. We first said $200 million, then decided to aim for $170 million. You all know how important it is to spend this kind of money to get a job that pays under $500,000 a year, right?

Many people ask us what we plan to do with this money. We say "Get Out The Vote!" which is one of those lovely doublespeak things we like to do. You should know by now that when we say black, it means white. So we say "Get Out The Vote!" and that means, of course.... well, I'm not going to tell you everything. Think a bit for yourself.

Yes, $170 million to spend on interfering and preventing a proper vote. We have people watching the tiniest slices of demographics and counting electoral votes on a continual basis. We're checking to make sure Diebold, which you may recall promised us that Ohio would go for Bush next time, is working in as many states as possible.

We also have our dirty tricks slush fund for Karl Rove to use as he wishes: calling people and telling them to go vote..on Saturday, telling people they need special papers to vote, hiring fake protestors to hold fake signs, launching his own attacks against Bush then claiming the other side is playing dirty and launching the attacks, stopping those damn exit polls that are so accurate, staging fake rallies with fake supporters for TV cameras to show on his friend's TV network, wiping people off the voting rolls so they cannot vote on Election Day, messing with military ballots, installing friends in key positions in key states a la Katherine Harris, and many other fun things.

This takes money. We are considering having a fake blog with fake supporters to raise fake funds for faking people out, just like Howard Dean except without the honesty and genuine grassroots support. We'll hire grassroots supporters if we need them.

Anyway, we have to go hop on the taxpayer-financed Air Force One for another round of campaigning. Fly somewhere, kiss a baby, then go collect a million from three people at dinner. We always make sure to get their names right, so we can repay them with new legislation that reduces their costs, increases their profits, and eliminates their regulation and oversight. It's a great business we're in, and we're running it like we ran Enron.

Trust us, we're going places!

P.S. Squealer has been temporarily been, uh, placed in a holding cell for interrogation, er, um, I mean safety reasons. After reprogramming, er, um, I mean a soothing massage, we may consider early release for good behavior. I hope we remembered to lock that cell...

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Monday, November 3


That's it, Squealer quits. I did not sign onto this to be threatened with lawsuits, to be silenced, but namely to spend all my time being laughed at and patronized and belittled by the opposing side.

You win. Take it all.

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Sunday, November 2


Those of us who run the world had a meeting the other day to discuss long term plans. I'm sorry to report that we ran into a little snag that needs further thought and reflection.

We were talking about President Jeb Bush in '08, when the Hispanic population has grown and we have better learned how to manipulate them as a voting block so they think he is their man. We're pretty sure this will work, and know he will become president for his rightful 8 years.

Here is the problem: how do we refer to these folks? We're doing fine right now, with Bush Sr. and Bush Jr.. We can say "the president" and "the ex-president" and people know who we are talking about: Bush. But what happens when we have two ex-presidents Bush walking around?

President Bush, Ex-President Bush, and Ex-Ex President Bush won't work. If another Bush gets in there, there will be a president precedent that will lead to XXX (Triple X) President Bush.

It may be that President Bush, Ex-President Bush, and the late Ex-President Bush can be used, but there is no guarantee. Plus, the late Ex-President Bush could easily be confused with the living Ex-President Bush under certain circumstances.

Hat-trick President Bush is right out.

Our problem is with the first part - "President". It keeps screwing the naming up.

The best option we have is to change the title of the office, so we get a new honorific in play. But which one? Supreme Leader Bush? King Bush? His Worldliness Bush? Emperor Bush? Godfather Bush? Ringmaster Bush? Bush Cubed?

See, many of you think we have it easy, but not so. We have difficulties just like you. You struggle to eat, pay your bills, and barely get by. We worry about how to name the world leader after we install him. We'll figure it out, of course, because we must.

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