Friday, November 14

Faking It 

You've stopped wondering about the shadow government set up by the White House after 9-11, with hundreds of employees. You don't seem concerned that Bush compromised US intelligence when the Chinese took our spy plane down. It's no big deal that the White House really doesn't want anyone to see their 9-11 records, or that Dick Cheney chose himself for the position of VP. And you've nearly forgotten that the White House exposed a CIA operative recently to Bob Novak, who dutifully broadcast the information.

I thought you might like to know more about spies, and the extent to which we go to create illusions. Very believeable illusions. Post writer Dana Priest writes, in A Curtain Lifts on the Life of Spies, that:

Most undercover operatives use their real names. The cover staff creates fictitious paychecks and bank accounts, driver's licenses, parking permits, and building passes -- "proof" that the person works somewhere other than the CIA.

For Non Official Covers working in front companies, it creates fake payroll checks, tax forms, incorporation papers, business cards, suppliers, phone lines, employees and whatever else it takes to thwart discovery -- including bankruptcy papers or closing notices when it is time to fold up an operation. "Unless someone deliberately burns them, you'll never find them," said Roy Krieger, a lawyer who represents CIA employees on work-related issues.

We can fake anything. Any official document can be made up by our talented staff. Anything you read can be faked. Heck, children can fake most driver's licenses and get away with it.

With movies and digtal imagery, we can fake anything you see. Need to move a building? Erase someone from a photo? Delete their voice from the recording of the meeting? Done.

Because we know how to do this in the spy world, we know how to do this in the "overt" world, too. We can stage uprisings of popular support, with no real people involved. We can create damining documents, or evidence to clear our good names.

You'll never win by playing by the rules. The rules are fake. We set them up. We certainly don't follow the rules. That would be stupid. Just because you wouldn't do something doesn't mean we wouldn't. We'll do anything to help ourselves.

By all means, don't ask any questions. Don't get curious. We do much better when you look away. Sit on your couch. Watch that sports team year after year. Buy that trinket and feel much better. That's good. Now go to sleep.

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Wednesday, November 12

The Game Plan 

We've hit on a campaign strategy that is sure to work. No, we aren't going to try to impress you with our record of stealing all your money, destroying the environment for personal profit, giving favors to big donors, or cutting benefits for everyone except ourselves. No, that would be too, what's that word, honest.

Instead we are going to trumpet the preemption doctrine and call Democrats names.

We're going to follow this memo and simply say that "Democrats are too indecisive and faint-hearted -- and perhaps unpatriotic -- to protect US interests". We all know that "protests, pessimism and political hate speech" are the only reason Democrats exist (that, and fighting for the little guy against us rich robber barron types.)

Bush, you see, is "a visionary acting to prevent future terrorist attacks on US soil despite the costs and casualties involved overseas". Get it. He's a visionary and those who oppose him just hate America. You'll fall for this. You always do.

We'll say we are tough, and forward thinking, while your lame-ass ideas for making the world peaceful by cooperating with others and eliminating the root causes of terrorism are, oh, I dunno, indecisive. Faint hearted. Pessimistic.

Just because bodies of dead US soldiers are piling up faster than we give contracts to Halliburton doesn't mean that we aren't ready to win again, and win big! Last time we only lost by a few votes and won. This time we'll lose by almost all the votes and still win.

Now, you Democrats, don't go trying to make the case that this pre-emptive war strategy is ass-backwards, that it leads to the world hating us, and has increased the number of recruits to "terrorist" (ie, anti-American robber barron ) groups. That more people have died under Bush's watch than any recent president. That he didn't protect the US from any terror, and has fueled the flames of hatred. That we're stuck in a Vietnam-like quagmire with no exit strategy. Just try to be like us as best you can, so you will lose again because you aren't us.

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Tuesday, November 11

Veterans Day 

I just saw this (soon to be award-winning) photo in the New York Times. I urge you not to go look at it. The obviously liberal and quite possibly terrorist-supporting photographer captured in a split second the timelessness of what wars do to people.

We've encouraged the president not dwell on the bad news, and not to let pictures like this get out to the general public. If you sit and stare at a photo like this for too long, you might feel bad, or cry, or want them to stop it before another family goes through this. We'd prefer you just watch Friends and numb your little brains with visions of new sweaters made by slaves for Walmart or Target. Hey, hurry, they are only $1.39. For three.

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Sunday, November 9


Isn't running for the President of the United States all about having to give long, boring political speeches, going to fund-raisers with lots of boring rich people, choking down salty, unhealthy hors d'oeuvres at strangers' houses and kissing their babies?

Well, yes, and it makes you sick. Did you hear Gov. Dean last week? What a horrible cough.

But that's just part of it. Running for office of the land can be lots of fun. For example, take John Kerry, please. He's the patrician Senator of Massachusetts who many young people think is too aloof, but after reading about this guy, well. He is just a wacko clown. Recently he's started to call his rival, Howard Dean, a "weasel" and "two-faced". That's not all, Kerry supporters hand out bumper stickers reading "Dated Dean, Married Kerry."

Kerry, the former Vietnam War veteran, recently did something quite mad. According to the New York Times, he blasted away at Howard Dean on Friday, accusing him of currying favor with the National Rifle Association and opposing an assault-weapons ban that Mr. Kerry and other supporters of gun control fought for in the 1990's.

Then Mr. Kerry took his 12-gauge shotgun and blew two pheasants out of the sky in two shots.

Joe Lieberman's web site is calling the somber and somewhat scary month of November "A Joe-Vember to Remember" as part of their "Operation Liebermania Part II". On November 11, Veteran's Day, average Joe has a full day of campaigning in Oklahoma at the Fort Sill National Cemetery (starting at 11 a.m. and ending at 6:15 p.m.). And two weeks ago, Joe had scheduled an important New York city event... at the home of Vin Roberti (suggested contribution $1,000 per person).

I went to Rev. Al Sharpton's web site to look for upcoming events, at which he would speak. He has a good platform but no upcoming events.

And what about Gephardt, 62-year-old member of the House of Representatives. Fun? Here's what his college kids have to say about that. "As he rose to House majority leader and later served as minority leader when the Republicans took over, Dad was seldom home," his daughter said. When he was, she said, "he was the Fun Dad." If he was the "Fun Dad", what kind of Dad was the other one?

His daughter, Chrissy, recently came out to her Dad as a lesbian in the spring of 2001, yet this fun Dad doesn't think it's a good idea to support the legalization of gay marriage. His wife, Jane (cute, Dick and Jane). "Dickie-Do-Right."

John Edwards is running. He's a Senator from North Carolina. He's a lawyer. What else? With the big upcoming Iowa caucus, Edwards is campaigning today in Atlanta, Georgia at the Commerce Club for a fund-raising reception. Then next weekend, it's off to Oklahoma for three days to attend several more fund-raising receptions.

Edwards has his own FunSolutionsForAmerica - a really neat, downloadable booklet on his web site. The heart of his plan is simple: "If you work hard and do the right thing, America will give you the chance to build a better life for your family." Words escape me.

Now, if you think Howard Dean is one angry, uppity Northerner, then guess what, he is. This guy wouldn't know fun if it came up and bit him on the leg. Ruff! Yet there's a Dean Machine-incited fire spreading across America, due partly thanks to the Internet, which helped to spark this "unknown" into the democratic front-runner. Essential to the Dean Internet presence is an army of blogging mercenaries, unpaid Dean supporters who write stuff that nobody reads.

At the top of the list is Angry Sam (http://www.angrysam.us). Here's what Angry Sam has to say about running for president and it seems like he's permanently in favor of banning fun:

"Democracy isn't for the meek, the weak of heart, or the complacent. It's a messy business, one that takes the guts to stand for what you believe in, the humility to conceed [sic] defeat when you're wrong, and the faith that together we can learn from our mistakes and make our nation a better place."

So for all the meek, complacent, and weak of heart, you're not needed! So SHUTUP!

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