Friday, December 12

Cheney-Bush '04 Don't Have A Chance In Baghdad 

On Thursday, in Iraq, the dream by the Cheney-Bush '04 pair of a new Iraqi army was delivered a swift kick in the head when a third of the recruits resigned in a dispute with the U.S. provisional authority over pay.

Over 300 soldiers of the 700, who were drafted (!) by the U.S. into the First Battalion of the new Iraqi army walked out, with many deciding to work not for the U.S. but for Iraqis.

Dearest Cheney-Bush '04, Inc. do you really think you have a chance in Baghdad of raising an army of 40,000, along with thousands of police and border guards, by next June? What do you put in your pipe dreams anyhow, Dick?

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Thursday, December 11

Who Says We're Unelectable? 

Unelectable. That's what some people are calling George W. Bush. Not so.

We are working diligently behind the scenes in our secret location to do secret things to make sure, secretly, that we will secretly be able to win. That's why we need $200 million dollars. We can't run on issues. Issues would kill us. We have to be sneaky, and have a big bag of dirty tricks ready.

We'll launch unfair attacks against ourselves and say they came from the other side. We'll rig voting by a percent here and a percent there so we do have to worry your little pea brains with another Florida moment. We'll have fake grassroots support by the busload. Our media will fall into line. Ahh, can you smell the photo ops and prewritten speeches from the heart?

So if you say we're unelectable, then you'll be in for a surprise.

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According to the web site http://commons.deanforamerica.com/ there are 9811 events taking place for Howard Dean in the next two weeks all across the country with 80,199 active members taking part. Dean Supporters have built an internet database web site which you can search by zip code to sign up for events taking place near you. One of my favorite events taking place in Manhattan is called "Return of the King, Fall of the Shrub". The web site deanforamerica.com has 527,320 "Americans for Dean" who receive daily updates on the Dean campaign. Since Al Gore endorsed Dean two days ago, nearly 6,500 contributors have given $507,953 in support of the endorsement, which is an average donation of $78 per person. 98,567 letters have been handwritten to voters in Iowa and New Hampshire in support of Dean.

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Our Top Secret Location 

In case you need to find us.:

"With discretion so complete that it resembles a special-ops mission, Bush has established his national campaign headquarters in Arlington. The nerve center of his reelection drive is housed inside a complex of three buildings, set back about 100 yards from the street, near the Courthouse Metro station. "

You can find it easily because of all the... lack of signs:

"There is nary a Bush sign or banner in sight. In fact, there is virtually no way to find the headquarters at all without being directed by a building doorman through a set of double doors. "

We'd put up more signs and do more PR on this, but we really don't have any money.

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Monday, December 8

The Secret House at the End of the Road 

We are highly trained in saying one thing and doing another. Our holier-than-you-ever-could-be friends at "the Fellowship" are very good at it:

What is the Fellowship? They run the National Prayer Breakfast (last year's guest was Michael Jackson) and advise the wealthy on spiritual issues. They also run an odd group home called The Cedars that people know little about. It's in a quiet neighborhood in N. Virginia.

Chauffeurs bring dignitaries in and out, Arrafat brought guards with machine-guns, presidents attend the breakfast, and residents have broken into neighbors homes recently stealing prescriptions.

So you most certainly want to know what is going on, right? Well:

"We're very open,' said Carver, a former assistant secretary of the Air Force in the Reagan administration.

'But we don't want publicity and news stories and that kind of stuff . . . that damages our ability to get things accomplished.' "

Yes. That's my boy. You tell 'em, Carver. Very open, except for the ultra secrecy.

Hello, I must be going.

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Sunday, December 7

Rumsfeld's Award Challenged 

Rumsfeld's famous quote of the previous year may have been plagarized from a British TV comedy called "Yes, Prime Minister":

Sir Humphrey: "Now go in there and
inform me of their conversation."

Bernard Woolley: "I'm not sure I can do that, Sir Humphrey. It
might be confidential."

Sir Humphrey: "Bernard, the matter at issue is the defence of the
realm and the stability of the government."

Bernard Woolley: "But you only need to know things on a need to
know basis."

Sir Humphrey: "I need to know everything! How else can I judge
whether or not I need to know it?"

Bernard Woolley: "So that means you need to know things even when
you don't need to know. You need to know them not because you need to
know them, but because you need to know whether or not you need to know. And
if you don't need to know you still need to know, so that you know
there is no need to know."

Compare with:

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know. " (Donald Rumsfeld, February 2003)

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No Big Deal 

My pal Andy Card has said that we should no longer think about bad pre-war intelligence.

All that talk about WMD's and nuclear weapons and imminent attacks by drone planes spraying us with poison gas that made people say, hey, maybe we should go to war - not important.

You must believe him now. Even if you believed him then.

"Overall intelligence has been 'very, very good,' Card said Sunday. But, he added, 'Intelligence is a collection of dots, and then an analysis on how those dots might be connected. Some of those dots may not be what they appear to be, and some of the connections may not have been what people would have suggested.' "

You know, very very good intelligence that may not appear to be what it appears to be and incorrect conclusions drawn from said intelligence. All par for the course. We won, damn it.

Now, all of this isn't true. It does matter about the pre-war intel, but what we do when we're backed into a corner, proved wrong beyond a reasonable doubt, is have underlings go out and say things like "it's no big deal" to the major media. They report it and a percentage of idiots, I mean, our supporters, start parroting it. Within a few weeks you can ask any small-brained humanoid if it matters and if they watched enough Fox, they will dutifully think for themselves and say "It's no big deal."

We love it when you don't know enough to think for yourself. If you are the type to sit back and just believe whatever the TV says, we have a station for you.

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Bringing Freedom and Democracy to Iraq 

You thought we were going to be some oppressive regime, not seen as liberators. Well, you are exactly, uh... not right. Now shut up!

We're being nice, and the people like it.:

"As the guerrilla war against Iraqi insurgents intensifies, American soldiers have begun wrapping entire villages in barbed wire."

Gee whiz. You are acting like we just killed a bunch a kids in Afghanistan or something. It's not like it's a concentration camp. It's democracy and freeedom, just like here in the US. Soon, if you re-elect us.

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