Friday, April 30

Making the World Safe 

The Washington Post tells us:

"Tribal chiefs and police tried to find a negotiated solution Friday to the U.S. standoff with radical Shiite cleric Shiite cleric Moqtada Sadr, who defiantly vowed that 'America is the enemy of Islam.'"

See? By bombing people, we're making the world safer and helping bring peace to the troubled region we know as the Middle East. Now there will be fewer terrorists and bad, nasty people.

Don't watch Nightline show all the dead soldiers. There must be a comedy show on instead, or a car race, or something.

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When Did Cheney Speak? 

Is the president acting coy? The AP says:

"Unlike the commission's televised hearings where tempers sometimes flared, there were no tense moments in the Oval Office, said former Gov. Jim Thompson, a Republican commission member. He called Bush 'a bit of a tease' and said there was laughter at times.

It was Bush who responded to most of the questions, officials said. Cheney spoke only when Bush turned to him about details he didn't know, according to one participant."

Ahh, Bush was a bit of a tease with his testimony. Making people laugh. An excellent way to fully cooperate. And he only had to rely on Cheney for things he didn't know. That's all.

Of course, commisioners said there were suprising new details given that they cannot discuss, nor is there a record of, nor were they given under oath. I found out one of those details and will share it with you - After two planes hit, and Bush sat in a classroom for almost 20 minutes doing nothing, he decided to personally go to his enemies with hand to hand combat, learned in the jungles during his Vietnam days. While we all thought he was flying around the U.S., he actually flew to Cuba to "kick Castro in the nuts". Time prevented him from going after Osama that day, and every day since.

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Wednesday, April 28

Sweet Deal 

I was chatting with Bush and Cheney and we were laughing about how we'll be able to show everyone how much we're on top of things and helping out and cooperating with the 9-11 commission. They love it.

They aren't under oath to tell the truth, so they can say anything.

It won't be recorded, so it can't be played back. They can always argue that their recollections differ and "that's not what I said."

They never have to appear again for follow up questions.

It won't be considered testimony.

It can last as little as an hour, including any rehearsed opening remarks by Bush and Cheney.

So we discussed a plan of action. We'd write up some great, long-winded opening remarks to buy up time. Bush was worried that he might be asked a question, so we came up with a system for Cheney to signal to Bush which of the three prepared answers to use: there was no way we could have known, had we known we would have acted, and I don't recall.

Cheney's system involves a series of coughs, lifting certain objects on the desk, and flat out contradictory statements to the panel.

If he's feeling pretty good about things, Bush is authorized to mention the war on terror and tax cuts for the wealthy. The main point is to show up on time, stay for longer than the one hour minimum, and come out with PR statements blazing about the unprecedented cooperation of these two fine men, and how the case now, can finally be closed. The questions have been answered and that it is.

On to victory in '04!

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Monday, April 26

"I Don't Plan To Lose" - the Groundwork 

The AP tells us we have plans underway to be attacked around election time:

"Recognizing its own vulnerability in the age of terrorism, the House has agreed to speed up special elections to replenish its numbers when 100 or more lawmakers die in an attack.

'This bill will guarantee the failure of any terrorist attempt to decapitate the legislative branch of the United States,' Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said after the 306-97 vote Thursday.

Under the legislation, the House speaker could declare 'exceptional circumstances' when 100 or more seats in the 435-seat body are left vacant by a catastrophic event, triggering special elections in affected districts that must be held within 45 days. The House approved an amendment protecting the voting rights of military personnel under the expedited system."

Always good to plan for 100 or more lawmakers to die. Isn't it fun how there is no discussion of stopping the root causes of terrorism, but lots of plans for it to continue on as a part of our lives forever and ever? That means, my firends, that my pal Bush has no plan to win a war on terror. His plan is to keep the terror war alive and well for years to come.

A real war on terror, we all know, would be an evaluation of our global policies of mischief and visible efforts to mind our own business. Osama lays it out in plain English if you read his statements. He has no problem with you or me. He does have a problem with the way the government is run, and the policies we inflict around the globe. Those can be changed. But my pals at the White House are too weak-minded to change something that would reduce the growth of terrorism. They say that it would show us caving in to demands. Perhaps, but it would end terrorism. Isn't that the goal?

No, it isn't.

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Church and State 

The AP tells us that Iraq has a new flag:

"But the dramatic change in a national symbol could raise some complaints - particularly since it came from U.S.-picked leaders seen by many Iraqis as American puppets. U.S. administrators have tried quietly in the past to change the flag by dropping the words 'Allahu akbar,' but Iraqis have refused to abide by the change."

A country like the US wouldn't stand for words like "Allahu akbar" on the flag. Saddam put them there, and who wants to be reminded daily of his regime? After all, the Arabic words "Allahu akbar" means "God is great." Thanks to the US, those words have now been removed.

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Sunday, April 25

Cheney Goes To Court 

The AP says that a lawyer for environmental groups says:

"'The administration posture here has been incredibly bad politically,' he said. 'It is unseemly for the administration to have tried to create national energy policy by listening almost exclusively to energy industry executives. It would have been a two-day story if the administration simply had provided the information.'"

Silly man. The reason my good friend Cheney cannot tell you a thing is not because of who he met with - it's what they discussed. See, there is this Iraq War thing going on, and you'd be pretty annoyed to find out that Dick was explaining the whole thing in detail to energy companies, weaving business with pleasure.

Again, since everyone seems to forget it, we NeoCons got together in the 80's and drew up a plan for the world. We want total control. We want oil regions. We want all the money in the US Treasury. We want the world.

To get it, we stated, there would need to be a "Pearl Harbor" like event to build support from fear. Then we could launch wars, confiscate bank accounts, and funnel funds to our business allies in energy and defense.

And you all fall for it while we get rich.

Really, think of my buddy Bush's "success" as a "war president": First there were the rich people joy riding on a sub that killed Japanese schoolkids. There was the spy plane we gave to China. The US was attacked four times in a single day. We've got troops spread thin around the globe, with no real plan other than "stay the course" and anti-American sentiment building to a flashpoint. More secure? Ha!

Our plan is to make you less secure so you'll feel fearful and therefore support us in our efforts to fight insecurity. If you aren't scared, none of this works. If you feel like we all get along and there is nothing to worry about, we can't send troops. We can't take over oil fields. We can't do anything.

Please, continue your fear and ignorance. It is the patriotic thing to do. Make excuses for us. Tell your friends. Be fearful of a vengeful Lord, too, while you are at it.

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